Tantrums, crying and defiance: reacting without losing your calm

It happens almost always the first or second time, and almost always twenty minutes after the parents leave. It's not a judgement on you: it's a child checking where the boundaries are with a new person.

What's really happening

A small child who screams isn't manipulating anyone: they're overwhelmed and don't have the words yet. Your job isn't to make it stop, it's to be the calm person in the room. If you get worked up too, it lasts twice as long.

What works

• Lower your voice instead of raising it. It works far better than it sounds like it should
• Name what they're feeling - "you're angry because you wanted to keep playing". Feeling understood defuses it
• Offer two options, both acceptable to you - "do you want to brush your teeth before or after the story?" Regains control without a clash
• Change the scene. Another room, the window, a different object: often enough to break the loop
• Wait. Many crying fits end on their own if nobody feeds them

What to never do

• Raise a hand. Never, under any circumstances, for any reason
• Shout, threaten, mock, imitate the crying
• Shut a child in a room alone or in the dark
• Give in on one of the parents' rules for the sake of peace: next time the price doubles
• Film or photograph the scene

If they don't calm down

Call the parents. It's not a defeat: it's the right thing to do. Better one extra phone call than an hour of suffering for both of you. And if you sense something different from a tantrum is going on - pain, fever, a cry that doesn't sound like the others - call right away.

Tell them about it

When they get back, say it simply: what happened, what you did, how it ended. Parents know perfectly well it happens. What makes them uneasy is finding out from someone else.