The first separation: preparing the child (and yourself)

Leaving your child with someone for the first time is a small test for everyone. It can be made much easier, and almost everything is decided before you leave the house.

Get to know each other beforehand

The best approach is for the first time not to really be the first time. Have the person come for an hour while you're home: the child sees her talking with you, understands she's someone you trust, and next time she's not a stranger.

The words

• Say it beforehand, not at the door. Even to the very youngest
• Be concrete about time - "we'll be back after nap time" works better than "in three hours"
• Say goodbye and go. Long goodbyes make it worse, and so do returns for one last kiss
• Don't sneak away. It seems painless but it teaches that you can disappear at any moment - exactly the fear you want to avoid

Crying when you leave

It's completely normal, and almost always very brief. Most children calm down within a few minutes of the door closing. If you like, ask for a message after fifteen minutes: it's almost always a photo of someone playing happily.

What really helps

A familiar object within reach. A routine identical to the usual one. A person who doesn't try to replace you or win the child over at all costs, but simply stays there, calm.

And you

Guilt the first time is nearly guaranteed, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. A parent who goes out occasionally comes back in better shape. That's true for everyone, and especially here, where family networks have thinned out and many people find themselves doing everything alone.